New posts coming.

I promise*



























* Promises not verified by the FDA.

"Hey guys, what should we all do today?"

You'd think she would at least get her profession right.

Demi Lovato is in rehab

I really should have posted this a week ago, but I had no idea who she was then. Well, this should be all the proof you need to know that my last article was 100% accurate.

Fat Guys Hate the Beach

There's always pressure when you come back from a long hiatus to write a big, long, epic entry. As if you've been away this whole time planning your spectacular reemergence like some kind of Christ simile.
"He returned to his blog like Jesus returned to Earth."

That was awful. I apologize. Not for the comparison, but for how bad it was.
At any rate, I haven't done that. No planning, no big hoorah. Instead I'm going to make this as awkward as possible for the both of us. That way I set expectations very low for you all.

So what the hell has been going on? Well, in the last couple months I moved to New York. Kind of a big deal, considering I lived in backwoods Pensacola before this. It's a complete 180. And I like it.

There's a lot to do in the city, obviously. There are restaurants, museums, shows, landmarks, homeless people doing filthy/impressive (often at the same time) things on the subway, everything!
Florida's got the beach. I don't know if you know this, but fat guys hate the beach. I had to reread that sentence to make sure I didn't leave off the "H" in hate. That would be unfortunate. And hilarious.

Fat guys hate the beach for several reasons. The first is the obvious. Nobody goes to the beach to see and eclipse as you pass by them, blocking out the sun. They want to see other good-looking people, like in the movies. Fat guys get something good out of this deal though. If there's ever a homicidal killer on the loose, only skinny attractive people get the axe (despite our inability to run). Fair trade, I think.

Reason number two? The t-shirt. Because we feel shame because of the girth, we keep a t-shirt on. This does not hide the girth, but instead accentuates it. Especially when we go into the water. Ever go to a wet t-shirt contest? You know the feeling the women have when they get home? Imagine that feeling amplified and present the whole time. With more ice cream.

Reason number three is because we have to walk around with an erection as we look at all of the women we'll never have sex with. Enjoy that mental image.

Anyway, I'm not missing much being away from the beach. In fact, people might sense that it's much nicer there, though they're not quite sure why. But we know, don't we?

Feeling awkward yet? Good. Back to New York.

It's awesome. Plain and simple. All those comedians who say "I'm happy to be back in the BEST CITY ON EARTH!" and get a raucous response from the crowd? They're not kidding. And I've only been here a week. Image all the cool illegal stuff I don't know about yet.

Plus, I get to wear a jacket more often and trick people into thinking I'm more attractive. Ladies?

PS- Hopefully we'll have another Multipass that we recorded about a month ago up soon.

Make room on your bookshelf...

The literary canon is complete.

I probably should have Googled "General Geekery" before starting this blog

Because holy shit, is it used a lot.

An open letter to Schick

Dear Schick,
Thank you for making a product so useless that it no longer works after one use. Your Schick Quattro is so poorly put together that you leave room for the hair to come out once you have shaved it off. As a result, the second time you attempt to shave with the Quattro, it's not so much a razor as it is a face comb. It removes no hair. And as much as I try to rinse it, that hair isn't coming out. Maybe you should consider making chainsaws so that four rows of blades will make sense. Though if you did, the wood particles might get caught in the chain and the lumberjack would have to throw it away after one use like I did with your razor. Not to put too fine a point on it (which you may also be incapable of), but I think I would have been more successful at smoothing my face with a rubber duck. I will be wearing my mangled whiskers today as an advertisement against your product. And some bigshot sees me and thinks "He would be good to sign on. Too bad he's clearly retarded because his beard is all fucked up." then you are to blame. Because that is my only problem, as you can tell from my oh-so-sexy Hugh Jackman-like appeal.
I hope you sleep well tonight. Maybe on a mattress filled with Quattros, because it may be easier to sleep on them than to shave with them.

PS- That's not how you spell "cuatro," assholes.

This is Madness!

I have no idea what this is a jug of, but I saw it in an art classroom and snapped a picture. The caps make it work for me.

Anne Burrell is a Super Saiyan

"That stove is too cold. Turn it up."
"Over 300?"
"Higher."
"Over 400?"
"Higher."
"450?"
"...that should be fine."

Hooray for Hyphens

Somebody already had the address I wanted, so I added a hyphen to it. Never underestimate the power of that tiny line. Stay tuned for more, well, General Geekery.