There's always pressure when you come back from a long hiatus to write a big, long, epic entry. As if you've been away this whole time planning your spectacular reemergence like some kind of Christ simile.
"He returned to his blog like Jesus returned to Earth."
That was awful. I apologize. Not for the comparison, but for how bad it was.
At any rate, I haven't done that. No planning, no big hoorah. Instead I'm going to make this as awkward as possible for the both of us. That way I set expectations very low for you all.
So what the hell has been going on? Well, in the last couple months I moved to New York. Kind of a big deal, considering I lived in backwoods Pensacola before this. It's a complete 180. And I like it.
There's a lot to do in the city, obviously. There are restaurants, museums, shows, landmarks, homeless people doing filthy/impressive (often at the same time) things on the subway, everything!
Florida's got the beach. I don't know if you know this, but fat guys hate the beach. I had to reread that sentence to make sure I didn't leave off the "H" in hate. That would be unfortunate. And hilarious.
Fat guys hate the beach for several reasons. The first is the obvious. Nobody goes to the beach to see and eclipse as you pass by them, blocking out the sun. They want to see other good-looking people, like in the movies. Fat guys get something good out of this deal though. If there's ever a homicidal killer on the loose, only skinny attractive people get the axe (despite our inability to run). Fair trade, I think.
Reason number two? The t-shirt. Because we feel shame because of the girth, we keep a t-shirt on. This does not hide the girth, but instead accentuates it. Especially when we go into the water. Ever go to a wet t-shirt contest? You know the feeling the women have when they get home? Imagine that feeling amplified and present the whole time. With more ice cream.
Reason number three is because we have to walk around with an erection as we look at all of the women we'll never have sex with. Enjoy that mental image.
Anyway, I'm not missing much being away from the beach. In fact, people might sense that it's much nicer there, though they're not quite sure why. But we know, don't we?
Feeling awkward yet? Good. Back to New York.
It's awesome. Plain and simple. All those comedians who say "I'm happy to be back in the BEST CITY ON EARTH!" and get a raucous response from the crowd? They're not kidding. And I've only been here a week. Image all the cool illegal stuff I don't know about yet.
Plus, I get to wear a jacket more often and trick people into thinking I'm more attractive. Ladies?
PS- Hopefully we'll have another Multipass that we recorded about a month ago up soon.
