Friday, March 5, 2010

An open letter to Schick

Dear Schick,
Thank you for making a product so useless that it no longer works after one use. Your Schick Quattro is so poorly put together that you leave room for the hair to come out once you have shaved it off. As a result, the second time you attempt to shave with the Quattro, it's not so much a razor as it is a face comb. It removes no hair. And as much as I try to rinse it, that hair isn't coming out. Maybe you should consider making chainsaws so that four rows of blades will make sense. Though if you did, the wood particles might get caught in the chain and the lumberjack would have to throw it away after one use like I did with your razor. Not to put too fine a point on it (which you may also be incapable of), but I think I would have been more successful at smoothing my face with a rubber duck. I will be wearing my mangled whiskers today as an advertisement against your product. And some bigshot sees me and thinks "He would be good to sign on. Too bad he's clearly retarded because his beard is all fucked up." then you are to blame. Because that is my only problem, as you can tell from my oh-so-sexy Hugh Jackman-like appeal.
I hope you sleep well tonight. Maybe on a mattress filled with Quattros, because it may be easier to sleep on them than to shave with them.

PS- That's not how you spell "cuatro," assholes.