Spirits Conspicuously Absent from Super Smash Bros Ultimate

Hi everyone. This is the part where I make an excuse for being absent for like, two years, and follow it up with empty promises to write more, and write more often, but we all know that probably won’t stick. I mean, this stupid fuck’s presidency threw me into the same spiral most creative-types feel when everything is terrible; “Does-any-of-this-matter? The world is so shitty, why should I make dumb articles about 20-year-old video games when this insane fuck is going to kill us all? I should be doing something useful to help people.” But then I just watch Netflix and eat a box of Cheez-Its and think about what alcohol mixers I should drink straight, because I ran out of base liquors three days ago in my last spiral. Not triple sec, btw.

But hey, if anything can get me to write again, maybe it’s a new Smash Bros.

As any Smash Bros fan can tell you, 2/3 of the fun of a new game is the speculation and theorizing of new characters. Fans like to psychoanalyze the series director, Masahiro Sakurai, and weigh his thought process against games he may want to advertise, or what he’s a fan of, or series relevancy, or what color his sofa is, to figure out who he might have in store for us this time.

People really thought there was a secret message in here.

Once the game was released in December and we knew the roster, the hunt for DLC character clues began. The most likely place seems to be Super Smash Bros Ultimate’s new adventure mode, Spirits. Spirits features dozens of characters who got at least a brief consideration to be included before the development team decided to go in another direction and choose someone like Piranha Plant. You see, Spirits mode is the Smash equivalent of a silver medal. While characters like Inkling or King K. Rool made the cut and became fully-realized Smash Bros fighters, other popular choices like Mario RPG’s Geno, or Zelda’s Midna are represented by a stock photo accompanied by a palette-swapped Sheik with a Super Scope equipped, or Bayonetta with an assist trophy buddy. They’re still not playable, but it’s an honor just to be nominated.

Guts Man, looking exactly how you remember him.

There are some who contend that being included in Spirits mode doesn’t necessarily mean you’re out as a DLC option. I’m not sure I buy that. It seems to me, that if all this mental and physical energy went into creating a character and they ultimately decided to create a thematic reference-filled battle instead, that’s kind of the final word on that.  But as with all the “rules” the fans use to speculate, they apply until they don’t.

Playing through Spirits mode is a trip down memory lane for video game fans. It seems like everything is referenced at some point. Stanley the Bugman from Donkey Kong 3, Cammy from Street Fighter, Spark Man from Mega Man 3, Swanky Kong from Donkey Kong Country 2, and even some of the various Mario Kart vehicles. This makes some of the rare omissions all the more glaring. Why have they been left out? Are they legitimate roster options? Did Sakurai just deem them unimportant? Let’s speculate together.

1.       Porky (Earthbound, Mother 3)

Porky was the first character that people collectively realized was missing. And it’s not like he’s a minor character, either. Porky served as the main antagonist for both Ness and Lucas in the Earthbound series. That means Porky played a major role in more Earthbound games than either of the playable characters currently in the Smash Bros roster. On top of that, Porky made an appearance in Super Smash Bros Brawl as a boss. Every other boss from that game was referenced in some way in SSBU. It’s worth mentioning that Porky’s Absolutely Safe Capsule is in as a Spirit. Did Sakurai intend for this to be a stand-in for Porky? Is Porky still in there, watching Smash battles for all eternity? Is SSBU canon to the ending of Mother 3, and Porky, in the capsule, somehow made it to this universe? Is he’s absolutely safe in the Absolutely Safe Capsule, how did Galeem, the villain, manage to make him vanish with that giant laser beam that disintegrates everyone? Video games are weird.
However, the main villain of a niche series probably isn’t enough to put Porky over the top. I’d personally love to see him, especially the younger version from Earthbound who fights in a Bowser Jr-style mech, but chances are he’ll appear as a downloadable Spirit somewhere down the line. You’ll probably even be able to enhance him from his Earthbound sprite to his Mother 3 one.

Spirits Scenario: Metal Bowser Jr. on Fourside.

Odds Porky is a future DLC Spirit: 6/10
Odds Porky is a future DLC character: 2/10

2.       The Metroid Hunters (Metroid Prime Series)

Metroid, as a series, has historically been about the struggles of one character; Samus Aran. She takes out armies of Space Pirates and all manner of creepy space beasts on solo missions while working for a faceless federation.
As video games became more cinematic, the mute, solo adventures of Samus seemed quaint and outdated, so she was given some supporting characters to flesh out her world, er… galaxy.
I’m of the mind that Samus and Zero Suit Samus were the perfect reps for Smash. When it came right down to it, these games were stories about one woman. Having her repped twice was a great option. But other fans disagreed. Many wanted to see her nemesis, Ridley, show up despite his immensity. They got their wish in SSBU. Samus even got a clone character in Dark Samus, bringing the Metroid character count up to four.
Part of the expanded Metroid roster came in the form of rival bounty hunters. This is probably the best way to give her some characters to play off of while still keeping Samus as a free agent. Unfortunately, every Hunter they introduced had no personality and played exactly the same way as Samus, down to the ability to become a ball and roll around on the ground. As a result, only two token Hunters, Trace and Kanden were included as Spirits. This left Noxus, Weavel, Spire, and fan-favorite Sylux out in the cold.
Sakurai used a lot of token representation to pull double duty so he wouldn’t have thousands upon thousands of Spirits to include and code. For example, most people know the Mario enemy Dry Bones. They’re a race of skeletal turtle zombies that showed up in Super Mario Bros 3 and are still pretty major enemies. But they aren’t in the game, despite fellow enemies like Goomba and Blooper and Boo making the cut. However, Dry Bowser, a skeletal form of Mario’s famous nemesis DID make the cut. Now we get a major character without the overlap of a very similar, lesser character. This is also the case for the Yarn version of Yoshi’s dog, Poochy. Regular ol’ Poochy isn’t in, but Yarn Poochy can represent Poochy AND the yarn aesthetic from a different Yoshi game.
This, I think, is why we got 2/6 of the Hunters. The weird thing is that Sylux is far and away the most popular Hunter thanks to a tease in Metroid Prime 3 that he’s going to be a bigger player in the future. But he isn’t yet.
Many think Sylux will be DLC down the line when Metroid Prime 4 comes out, but that’s a commitment to a character who is, thus far, a generic alien. Smash representation means you’ve made it to the big leagues. It means Nintendo can’t force you into a box in the basement and forget about you for 15 years. It means you’re a face of the brand. Look at what happened to Roy after his first Smash appearance. He’s not a favorite character in his home franchise and has kind of been forced as an “All-Star” only because of his association with Smash. Is Nintendo willing to make that gamble again?
So while the other Hunters have no chance at being playable, Sylux COULD get one if he is a major antagonist in Metroid Prime 4 and Nintendo plans to being him back in the future as a major recurring character.

Spirits Scenario: Dark Samus (Noxus), Ganondorf w/Screw Attack (Weavel), Incineroar w/Screw Attack (Spire), Samus (Sylux) on Frigate Orpheon.

Odds the Hunters are future DLC Spirits: 4/10
Odds the Hunters are future DLC characters: 0/10
Odds Sylux is a future DLC Spirit: 8/10
Odds Sylux is a future DLC character: 4/10

3.       Mario’s Partners (Paper Mario Series)

I’ve gotta say, the Mario RPG spinoffs got some pretty good spirit representation. Geno, Mallow, Peasley, Fawful, and Vivian all made the cut, which is a great amount of characters for a spinoff series. It does seem odd, however, that Vivian is the only Paper Mario partner to make the cut. I mean, if you have to pick one, Vivian is the winner, no question. She’s the most interesting, has the best design, and actually has a character arc. Parakarry can’t claim that. It IS a bit odd that major characters from two games are just completely absent, but at what point do you draw the line with RPG casts? It’s not like they’re from Fire Emblem.
Will we see them pop in down the line? Maybe as Spirits if we get another Paper Mario game. I wouldn’t be surprised to see the partners pull double duty; Just Goombario to rep the Goomba partners, Koops to rep the Koopa ones, and maybe one or two others. But then again, Mario is an enormous series that includes every RPG, Party, Kart, Tennis, Soccer, etc. game series. I can see why Sakurai and company would want to draw a hard line with the RPG reps.
I don’t think there’s any way they get in as playable characters, though. Geno fans would riot.

Spirits Scenario: Kirby w/Mario Hat (Goombario), Squirtle (Kooper), Tiny Wendy (Bombette), Jigglypuff (Bow), Tiny Bowser w/Raccoon Tail (Parakarry), Pac-Man w/Hot Head (Watt), and Roy w/Jet Pack (Lakilester) on Paper Mario.

Odds Mario’s Partners are future DLC Spirits: 5/10
Odds Mario’s Partners are future DLC characters: 0/10

4.       Any Human Character (Pokémon Series)

I’m not going to pretend that the non-Pokémon characters are anywhere near as important as the Pokémon, themselves, so I can see why so many of the 600+ creatures made it into SSBU. Especially when they have a whole item dedicated to them. However, the NPCs are the ones who drive the plot. Some, like Professor Oak and Misty even made it into Melee as trophies. So why weren’t a couple characters chosen from each generation chosen to be Spirits?
My guess? They would all have to be represented by the Pokémon Trainer in Spirits mode, and then be restricted to either Charizard, Ivysaur, or Squirtle. That would give every trainer fight a “been there, done that” kind of feel. Who cares if the spirit is Cynthia or Brock or Giovanni when each fight is really just Ivysaur? Or, if they could represent Cynthia’s signature Garchomp with a blue Charizard… why not just include Garchomp as a spirit instead, and cut out the middleman?

Oh wait. That’s exactly what they did.

Adding trainers to SSBU isn’t the tough part; it’s adding their team. You could have Misty as a Pokémon Trainer clone, but you’d still need to come up with three Pokémon for her to use. And if you add her, that makes the Pokémon Trainer gimmick less unique AND bloats the roster with another three Pokémon fighters.

Spirit Scenario:
Zero Suit Samus in two-piece (Misty), Squirtle x 3. Pokeballs spawn water types only.
Dr. Mario (Professor Oak), Charizard, Squirtle, Ivysar, Pikachu. Master Balls only.

Odds Human Pokémon characters are future DLC Spirits: 2/10
Odds Human Pokémon characters are future DLC characters: 0/10

5.       The cast of Kirby 64 (Kirby 64)

Fan-favorite Adeleine is getting all the coverage, but let’s take a step back; All the partner characters from Kirby’s Dreamland 2 and 3 are Spirits. Gooey is a Spirit, several enemies are Spirits, Daroach from Squeak Squad, Prince Fluff from Epic Yarn, and Magolor from Returns are all in. But not one single character from Kirby 64 is a Spirit. This includes Adeleine, Ribbon, and big boss, Zero2. This seems like a glaring hole in Kirby’s representation. Ribbon was even a part of the final boss battle. Many people speculate that their omission is because Sakurai plans to make Adeleine a playable fighter, but she’s not exactly a heavy-hitter in the Kirby series outside of the very hardcore. Bandanna Dee and Magolor (both Spirits!) have larger fanbases than her, and she really only seems to be loved because of the webcomic Brawl in the Family and the 20-Year Nostalgia Cycle (Kirby’s Dream Land 3 and Kirby 64, the two games she was featured in, came out in 1998 and 2000, respectively).
Barring a Kirby 64 remake and the 64 gang getting Spirits to cross-promote, I can’t see them making it in in any form.

At least Ribbon and Adeleine made it into Kirby Star Allies!

Spirits Scenario: Villager (F) and Tiny Pit (Pink) on Dream Land. Vince assists.

Odds the Kirby 64 cast are future DLC Spirits: 3/10
Odds the Kirby 64 cast are future DLC characters: 0/10

6.       Someone from Pro Wrestling (Pro Wrestling)

No, I don’t mean Hulk Hogan, or The Rock, or “Hacksaw” Jim Duggan. When the NES released back in the late 1980s, Nintendo’s first wave of first-party games (known as the “Black Box Games”) launched alongside it. Some, like Super Mario Bros, Duck Hunt, and Excitebike became classics. Others were more generic filler titles that have mostly been forgotten for one reason or another. These include Urban Champion, Tennis, and yes, Pro Wrestling. Pro Wrestling isn’t really a remarkable game, except for its victory screen, which, if you’ve been playing video games for a while, might sound familiar. That’s not to say that some of the character designs aren’t fix. Wrestlers like Starman (Not that one) and The Amazon are really fun and could use an update for modern days.
However, while those Black Box games were all referenced as Spirits in SSBU, Pro Wrestling was strangely absent. Bubbles from Clu Clu Land was a Spirit, as were the Urban Champion, Mach Rider, and representatives from the sports titles like Baseball, Hockey, Volleyball, and Tennis. So why no Pro Wrestling? The reason may be similar to that of Geno or Sukapon; Nintendo no longer holds the license to Pro Wrestling. The game’s creator, Masato Masuda, left Nintendo and brought the license to Pro Wrestling with him to Try Company, Ltd (Later, HUMAN) where it lays dormant to this day.

Spirits Scenario: Ryu (Fighter Hayabusa), Captain Falcon (Star Man), Incineroar (Giant Panther), Little Mac (Kin Corn Carn), Greninja (The Amazon), Ken (King Slender), Ganondorf (Great Puma) in the Wrestling Ring.

Odds a Pro Wrestler is future Spirits DLC: 0/10
Odds a Pro Wrestler is future character DLC: 0/10

7.       Mike Jones (StarTropics Series)

Who?

That’s still relevant, right?

*does a quick Google search*

Oh Jesus. That guy was popular in 2004. I guess not.

Mike Jones is not a rapper from 2004. He’s the lead character from StarTropics and its sequel on the NES. StarTropics plays a lot like Zelda with a tropical island aesthetic, but instead of swords and boomerangs, you use yo-yos and bolos and snowman dolls that freeze your enemies in their tracks. They’re cute and goofy and I have fond memories of the series from when I was a kid.
Unfortunately, they were made for a western audience by Nintendo and are virtually unknown in Japan. This is a real shame, because it would be fun to see Mike back at it and maybe see his series relaunched.
The games were also made by the same group that worked on Punch-Out, so it’s strange to me that it wasn’t released in Japan as well.
This seems like the perfect opportunity for Sakurai to throw a bone to western audiences and introduce the franchise to Japan by tossing Mike and Zoda and Dr. Jones Spirits into a DLC patch. But I can’t see that happening. This seems like the kind of game that would be on Sakurai’s radar, though. Dude loves his random gaming trivia.

Spirits Scenario: Ness on Tortimer Island with Beastballs.

Odds Mike Jones is a future Spirits DLC: 1/10
Odds Mike Jones is a future character DLC: 0/10

8.       Lolo (Eggerland/Adventures of Lolo Series)

Way back before Kirby broke onto the scene, Lolo was HAL’s poster boy. You played as a little blue sphere with eyes, Lolo, as he pushed blocks around and tried to climb a tower to rescue his girlfriend, Lala. Three Lolo games were made for the NES in total, and they were all great puzzle games with a lot of character.
HAL then shifted focus to Kirby and even brought Lolo and Lala along for the ride by making them recurring bosses.
The only standout HAL franchises are Lolo and Kirby. Aside from those, the bulk of HAL’s catalogue is board games, though they also helped with the Earthbound and Smash Bros series. There is no chance Lolo isn’t on Sakurai’s radar, as Sakurai got his start at HAL, and created both the Kirby and Super Smash Bros games. In fact, I’d consider this to be the most curious omission in SSBU.
One of Sakurai’s trademarks is his love of video game history. He’s included a retired NES character in every Smash Bros game since Melee (Ice Climbers in Melee, Pit in Brawl, Duck Hunt in Smash Bros 4), except SSBU. Every other NES-era character either still has a franchise going today (Samus, Link, Mario), or is already a Spirit, as listed in the Pro Wrestling section. Lolo is the last NES-era character who could possibly be viable in a Smash game, and even that is a stretch. I don’t think Sakurai plans to add the little guy to Smash, but having the final DLC fighter as a throwback to the NES and his tenure at HAL is exactly the kind of thing I could see Sakurai doing.

Spirits Scenario: Kirby (Blue) and Jigglypuff on Great Cave Offensive with Wheeled Crates.

Odds Lolo is a future Spirits DLC: 3/10
Odds Lolo is a future character DLC: 3/10

So that's my Smash article. Feel free to tell me how dumb I am for believing Spirits means characters can't be playable. I'm used to it after I bought into the "Box Theory.", but that ended up going ok.

Hey, I wrote an article! Enjoy it while it's relevant! 

Coping with Kirby: Dream Land in an Uncertain Time

You may have seen the recent article about how some are watching the West Wing as a way to cope with this whole Trump scenario. I totally get it. It’s a been a… let’s say “tumultuous” time in American history. We’ve faced a lot of dire straits over the last—Jesus, it’s been less than two months?!

Ahem. At any rate, in order to keep sanity, I’ve found it necessary to retreat into fictional worlds for some semblance of calmness and normalcy on those nights I’m lying awake in bed, waiting for the explosions to start.

It’s no surprise that Nintendo is the arbiter of all kinds of happy fiction that I can lose myself in, from Super Mario, Pokemon, to Animal Crossing, there are plenty of options to keep me smiling and sane until my mind wanders and I become a paranoid, sobbing mess.

No franchise turns up the cuteness like Kirby, though. This adorable little puffball represents all that is good in this universe. He’s always smiling, he just wants to eat some cake, and even the enemies are just cute little balls of fluff. It’s perfect. It’s zen.
No Kirby game quite strikes my fancy like Kirby Super Star on the SNES. I have very fond memories of playing this with my brothers, trying to find every treasure in the Great Cave Offensive, or using a turbo controller with TAC to destroy bosses in seconds, to sitting back and enjoying the moody sounds of the Revenge of Meta-Knight game. It’s truly one of the SNES’s best.

So now I’m going to do us all a favor and take a break from Animal Crossing, because I don’t WANT to find out whose fucking mitten this is, BILL. YOU’RE ANIMALS. YOU HAVE NATURAL PROTECTIONS AGAINST THIS SNOW. ALSO, THERE IS A SEAMSTRESS IN TOWN AND I JUST GAVE YOU 4,000 BELLS FOR AN ELEPHANT SLIDE, SO YOU CAN JUST BUY A NEW FUCKING PAIR OF GLOVES, OK? I’M THE MAYOR. I DON’T HAVE TIME FOR THIS SHIT.

Bitch, I have real problems, like funding that topiary.

So, Kirby Super Star. It’s actual several games in one cartridge. They ramp up the difficulty as you complete each game, so by the time you get to the last boss, you’ve mastered Kirby’s trademark copy ability, which lets him absorb the abilities of his enemies, and you’re ready for anything they can throw at you. It’s a really unique mechanic. When Kirby inhales enemies, they become cute little hats that denote abilities from Sword to Fire to Yo-Yo. Yo-Yo is a favorite of mine because he wears a cute little baseball cap. Not sure what that has to do with a Yo-Yo, but hey.

If "all the food" is just corn, Dream Land has more issues than one.

We begin with Spring Breeze. It’s a walk in the park, wherein Kirby learns the basics of the game while freeing Dream Land from King Dedede. According to the opening cinematic, Dedede, something of a glutton, has stolen Dream Land’s food, so Kirby takes it upon himself to get it back. That’s seems a bit off to me, though, because we see Dedede break into the food vault (?) with a bunch of Dream Land denizens, so it seems like he was sharing the wealth. At any rate, Kirby storms the castle and ousts the king. It’s not very tough, but King Dedede is a lot of fun and you get a trial run of the game’s basic abilities.


Did Dedede do anything else that would make us think he’s a bad ruler? He’s kind of a dick, sure, but Dream Land seems no less happy with him in power. We’ve seen that he is privy to how Dream Land functions in other games. He tried to prevent Kirby from freeing the Nightmare by protecting the Fountain of Dreams in another game. Plus, we know he’s a capable fighter, because he’s always the first one any foreign power tries to take out when they invade. What did he do that was so bad that Kirby would forcibly remove him from his position? Who succeeds him? Kirby? I don’t think Kirby is really known for his political experience.

Um, where was I? Gourmet Race? This one is simple. Kirby and Dedede race through a few tracks for more food. Geez, these two like food. What did Kirby do with all that food after these first two games? The icon for the game shows him just mowing down. Wasn’t there a food shortage? That’s hypocritical. You just removed Dedede from office because he was supposedly eating too much, and now you’re being even more greedy?

Dedede looks REALLY worried.

Game three, Dyna Blade, has Kirby take down an endangered species. After killing the tree, Whispy Woods, back in Spring Breeze, it’s becoming clear that Kirby doesn’t care much for the environment. And this is only confirmed in game four, The Great Cave Offensive, where Kirby goes deep into the ground to dig up treasure, in what is a clear parallel to drilling for oil. There’s also a computer program that he encounters in here, and I can’t prove it yet, but I think it has some connection whoever is doing all this drilling. Why is this third party’s connection to Kirby? Does it have anything to do with the whole Dedede debacle that just occurred? Wait, now that Dyna Blade has been removed from the land she once inhabited, does that mean this same company who carved out the Great Cave for monetary gain can do the same for Dyna Blade’s habitat? At this point in our story I think it’s time someone with the power of checks and balances to step in. And it seems I’m not the only one.

Game five is the Revenge of Meta Knight. Seeing that Kirby has taken over Dream Land and is twisting the law to benefit himself through manipulation of the food and natural resources, Meta Knight steps in to slow him down and figure out just how legal this whole thing is. Kirby, now emboldened by his actions, defeats Meta Knight and his army and sends his ship, The Halberd, plummeting into the ocean. Kirby’s conquering of Dream Land is complete, and there is nothing to stand in his way.

Kirby ponders his new empire.

By now, it should be clear that Kirby, with his political outsider status, disregard for the well-being of those he purported to help, and assertion of control over all branches of the Dream Land governmental system, is a proxy for Donald Trump. That outside influence that paid him off during the Great Cave Offensive is more outside than you may have thought.

Game six is Milky Way Wishes. Not content with ruining Dream Land, Kirby sets out to help conquer other countries—er, planets. It’s only after everything has fallen to ruin that the one who was secretly helping him along the way reveals himself. Marx, the tiny jester, played simple, xenophobic Kirby like a fiddle in order to position himself for a power grab. Just as ultimate power is within Kirby’s grasp, Marx steps in and claims the prize for himself.

Karl Marx wishes to be Ariana Grande's manager

And it doesn’t take a genius to see that Marx, named for the Communist figure, Karl Marx, is a stand in for Vladimir Putin. Kirby has delivered everything to him on a gold platter.  

It’s all right there, plain as day. You see it, right? Everything lines up. And they think they can just do what they want and nobody will notice. Well, we noticed. And it’s up to us to do something about it.

Tell everyone! Before it’s too late!

The Year of the Chicken

How has it been more than a month since I’ve written anything? That seems insane.

Perhaps you’ve been wondering where I’ve been and why you haven’t had any dumb Frozen theories or Final Fantasy close readings to delve into. Perhaps not. That’s fine, too.

Well, I got a job. A real, adult job. A 9-5 with vacation time, weekends off, the works. Unfortunately, that means I don’t have all day to stare at my computer desktop before convincing myself that should click on Microsoft Word, because that’s all it takes to get started. Just do it. It’s not that hard. Why don’t you click it? Click the button, you hack. You can’t call yourself a writer if you don’t write. Do it. Do it! CLICK THE BUTTON!

Starting a new job makes me think of all the old jobs I’ve had. I can name a few good things I took from each of them.

All except one, that is. The worst job I’ve ever had.

To set the stage, I had just moved away from New York City. I love New York. Every overpriced, gaudy, piss-scented, inch of it. It’s a great place with a million things to do, eat, and drink. There’s never a dull moment. Plenty of broke ones, but not dull.

I didn’t want to leave New York. Unfortunately, my friend/roommate was moving out west with her brand new degree, my cash flow wasn’t enough that I could move again on the fly, let alone pay more in rent, and the girl I was talking to at the time and I made plans to live in Orlando and explore more of a relationship. To do that, I would need money, and New York wouldn’t allow that. So I needed to go somewhere much cheaper where I could save up and head south.

That somewhere was the town I grew up in in the Florida panhandle.

Some of you are thinking “Ooh, Florida!” and I want to squash that enthusiasm right away. This is the moist, unshaven armpit of America, tucked right between the meaty flabs of Pensacola and Panama City Beach.  A flat coastal town that is more “Lower Alabama” than “North Florida.” A stretch of land that is better suited as a hurricane buffer to northern civilization than an entity of its own.  It is equal parts meth addiction, racism, and military douchebaggery. It’s where the ignorance of America’s second-worst state meets the lawlessness of its craziest state. As if Mordor and Mordor’s sister had a baby and dropped it down the stairs. Voted the 83^rd best small town in America in 2015.

And, I mean, Orlando isn’t much better, but here we are.

I moved back with my parents for the first time in seven years. Just imagine that for a moment. You go to college away from your family, live in the most exciting city in the world, free to do whatever you want, and then travel back to Bumfuck, FL, where the biggest event to happen annually involves some jets flying overhead, to live with your parents. I love my family, but this was a test of character. Additionally, this was post-college, and all of my friends were gone. Some were still in New York, and others were traveling or moving across the country. I was essentially alone. The only thing keeping me going was the thought that I’d be in Orlando, away from all this crap, soon.

I started getting to work with job applications, assuming my clout as a New York city boy manager whose last job pulled in over one million dollars annually would easily help me land a gig at one of these hillbilly establishments where, if we were lucky, we’d see a few dozen people a day. I didn’t get any calls. I was getting desperate. The fact that I sold my car to move meant that I could only get a job within walking distance. It inhibited what was available in a big way. Suddenly, my simple plan to earn some quick cash didn’t look so surefire.

My mom suggested I work at the grocery store, but there was no way I was going to return to my first job, which I had in high school and got fired from, 10 years later with a college degree and life experience under my belt. I’d sooner kill myself.

Shortly after that, I received a call from the girl. She met someone. We were done. No more Orlando.

Shortly after that, I received a slightly worse call. The local gas station/fried chicken store wanted to interview me.

I’ll let that sink in.

With seemingly nothing to lose, I went to the interview. The interior of this fine establishment was pretty much exactly what you’d expect from a place that included the words “gas,” “station,” “fried,” and “chicken.” The décor seemed to avoid anything white, as to avoid the brown, sticky film that covered everything from showing. Every time you took a step, your shoes made a ripping sound like you’d trudged through maple syrup three days ago and couldn’t quite clean it all off. Everything looked and felt like the back of a used band-aid.

I wore a button-down shirt to the interview, because that’s what one does. It was the middle of summer in Florida, where I’ve described the humidity to be like “living in a bowl of soup.” Now add the greenhouse effect (thanks to the giant windows) and 3-4 deep fryers to that equation. In short, I got the job. I did the drug testing and tried to hope that things would turn around for me.

And yet still came back for a first shift.

The day went something like this:

Arrive and punch in. Now load up the 4-tiered frying cages with all manner or frozen matter, from chicken bits to breaded potato wedges to empanadas filled with raccoon meat or something, to a frozen stick of tomato puree and what they told me was cheese. Also available with pepperoni-flavored meat nuggets. Fry all those bitches up, because the breakfast rush is about to begin, and nothing goes better with a probably-sausage-and-egg sandwich than a pizza abortion trapped in a thick phyllo prison.

Now that everything is frying you should be developing a nice, thick, Nixonian-level sweat on your whole upper body. Don’t worry, the standard-issue polyester polo (known for their breathability) will ensure that you marinate in that lovely combination for the next eight hours.

Once those doors are unlocked, everyone will begin their morning breakfast rush, which, in the panhandle, means cigarettes and Coors Light. After the initial surge of one to two hours, it’s time for a break from the heat. That means you get to bag ice.

Most places have ice shipped in on a truck. Not this one. They had employees bag ice every day (usually without gloves) and fill up the outside cooler. This takes 2-3 trips. Be careful wheeling all that ice, though, because the condensation mixes with the aforementioned grease and makes a delightfully slippery floor.

Once your reprieve from the heat is over, get limber, because it’s time to stock cigarettes!

We’re living in a time when it’s well-established that there is no upside to smoking, and yet the southern legion scoffs at science, often sucking down a pack a day, like they’re toothless, broke Don Drapers with no sense of hygiene and a hatred of all things brown.

Don’t get too comfy, because the lunch rush is about to start. The fryers, which have been running and churning out all matter of artery-clogging treats all morning, are put to the test and stocked to the gills with dozens of frozen chicken parts. Just in time, too, because here come the regulars! The line stretches to the door and the employees know each swollen, sweaty mass by name. They get their twelve pieces and go on their way. But if you’re thinking of going to the bathroom, don’t think you’re free to do so. Every employee is required to stand in the 8x12 sales area slinging dead birds without any breaks, because it’s peak time, and god forbid anyone slow the food-to-face process. And more cigarettes, of course.

Now you can take your bathroom break and try to avoid eye contact with your own reflection, because you just can’t bear to see what you’ve become.

There’s a bit of a break before the lunch rush, so get to know your coworkers! There’s the single mother of two who is barely 20 with no high school education, the woman in her late 50s with a vague foot problem and no high school education, and the overweight guy who thinks he’s hot shit because he has the register key and no high school education. I don’t want to sound like a total elitist, but there is something to be said for people who do this work and are content with it. Who don’t care about striving for more. Whose only concerns are getting home in time to smoke a bowl, eat four or five pieces of the chicken they’re covered in, and, and glaze over while they watch a Sixteen and Pregnant marathon. I don’t have anything to say to these people. We can’t connect on a very basic level. There is a values dissonance, right or wrong.  

By the way, where’s the guy who hired me? Oh, he’s never really there, but he sure likes to review the cameras, so make sure you never stray from the registers at peak time.

Now load up the cages, because the dinner rush is coming, and this is even busier, and dinner means side dishes and side dishes means motherfucking pizza sticks.

I walked home after my first day, dragging the polo, which was now heavy with grease, and I cried right there in the street. This was easily the lowest point in my life so far, and everything was fucking terrible. Why did I bother with college? Why did I move away? What did it matter if I was going to be working with an amalgamation of every TLC reality show that ever aired? What the fuck is wrong with me?

I was a few months into life back in Florida and the Sunshine State and all the baggage that came with it was wearing me down. My time there was the most depressed I’d ever been in my life.

When I got home, I told my mom I couldn’t do it. It was awful, soul-crushing, and beneath me. She countered with “Well, it’s a job,” as if I should be thankful for what I had. As if I should just cruise along like everyone else there. I couldn’t do it. Sometimes you are too good for something. If I stayed there, on top of the rest of the crap and with no escape in sight, I have no idea what I’d do.

I went for a walk.

On the walk, I called the manager. I told him I was grateful for the opportunity, but it wasn’t a good fit. I lied and said I’d found something “more suited to my skillset.” He went off on me about wasting his time and money. How he never would have even interviewed me if he knew I was still going to be looking for a job. About how now he was going to have to start all over again and find someone else.

I told him to have a good night.

That year in Florida was probably the worst in my life. I’ve never felt so defeated and beat down. I kind of understood why some of those people woke up in the morning and smoked and drank things that would kill them sooner.

They say bad experiences build character. I don’t know how true that is, but it at least lit a fire under my ass to leave that terrible stare.

Also, you’d be shocked how quickly polyester burns when it’s soaked in chicken grease. It smells awful, though.

Who Got Lucille'd

I've written about the Walking Dead here before. It's a bit embarrassing to look back on, as I thought the show deserved to be canceled five years ago, but I still stand by the points I made in that post. Many of the problems have been addressed, but a few of the big ones remain. Characters are still inconsistent and tend to change depending on where the plot needs to go instead of vice-versa.

But if you've been watching since then, you probably know about the latest season finale and the shitstorm that ensued. In short, fans allege that the writers (and the network) took one of the most heart-wrenching, game-changing moments in the comic and neutered it for hype and to ensure audience draw when the show comes back next year. What we know is that someone (surprise!) died, and they didn't show who.

So theories abound and comic comparisons and contradictions are launched, and the fanbase plays into the hands of the people making all the money. So I'll do it, too. What the hell? Who died? Who got Lucille'd? Let's go in order of least to most likely candidates. And spoilers for both the show and comic follow, so be prepared.

This is Lucille. She is awesome.

8. Rick & Carl

It's straight-up not them. Negan says, as he begins to swing on his victim, "Anybody moves, anybody says anything, cut the boy's other eye out and feed it to his father and then we'll start." That tells you right there that it's neither of them. Plus, writer Robert Kirkman has confirmed that he never plans to kill Carl. So bam.

7. Aaron, Sasha, & Rosita

This is more of a practical reason. These characters weren't on the receiving end of a beating simply because the audience wouldn't care. Not to say they aren't likable characters. They just don't carry the weight that some of the others do. There's weight to six months of buildup for these characters. If the show came back and it had been Rosita bludgeoned to death, the audience would shrug and move on, and Negan's big moment would be stunted. They're fine.

6. Maggie

If the show didn't have the cajones to kill Judith the baby when she dies in the comic, they're not going to have a fetus beaten out of a woman. Plus, Maggie just got an important haircut that tells us something is on the horizon for her character. Additionally, the baby has to survive so the audience can have something to cling to while my number one choice gets the bat.

5. Michonne

The joke so far is that everyone Rick sleeps with gets killed. Michonne will break that trend. She's one of the long-running characters in the comic, she's stepped into the slot that TV-Andrea left empty, and from a merchandising standpoint, she's one of the most iconic characters. Michonne will be with us for a while.

4. Abraham

Now we get to the controversial picks. In the comics, Abraham is dead by now. That arrow that went through Denise's head a few episodes before? That was meant for Abe. So, as it stands, Abraham is technically on borrowed time. This means the show is free to do whatever they want with him. Do they want him to take the bat instead of the comic's choice? It could work, but for the same reason as the group in my point number seven, I don't think it would carry much weight. Abraham hasn't been around or done much to make the audience really care for him very much. His breakup with Rosita might even make a few people say "good riddance." There was a small detail in the finale where Eugene, Abraham's partner in crime, hands him the "recipe" for making bullets in the newly discovered refinery. This effectively makes Eugene redundant, as this becomes his major contribution for the rest of-- wait a sec.

3. Eugene

--for the rest of the series. Now that Abraham has access to that same knowledge, Eugene can effectively be phased out. What's more, Eugene has quickly become a fan favorite with his awkward way of talking and biting his would-be executor in the nuts. He's also generally an innocent, as far as these characters go. Showing Negan just not caring at all about that would really set him up to be hated. Eugene is one of the few characters that people would really feel anger for, I think. He's also one of the three I can see the wait being worth.

2. Daryl

If you want to make an impact on your audience, you have to do something big. I believe the character that is killed here has to A) Have an effect on the group and B) Have an equal effect on the audience. Daryl checks both of these boxes. We've seen Daryl change since the beginning of the show. He's had several character arcs where he became more empathetic, lost his brother, did a selfless search for a lost little girl, etc. He's the face of the show. This could also be a reason not to kill him, however. Daryl brings in the cash. There are legions of fans who subscribe to the "If Daryl Dies We Riot" mentality, and with the fan backlash after than finale, I wouldn't be surprised if they backed off of him to garner some good will. What's more, Daryl is the single most successful TV show-only element. Without him, the show is essentially a visual novel. Daryl helps the two stand apart. Sure, he just got a new show on AMC, and a new show usually means a departure from the current one, but that could be because of Norman Reedus's appeal. Why not double that exposure? Hell, maybe they'll write him into Better Call Saul, too.

The last few episodes of TWD also introduced a rival for Daryl in Dwight. It could easily be a continuation of the "If Daryl never met the group" narrative that pops up every once in a while, but there's no real reason to begin that story and rivalry if Daryl is dead. Plot decisions affect the next plot decisions.

You know, unless you're Beth and the show makes a big deal out of you sacrificing everything to save Noah, only to have Noah get killed for no reason a couple episodes later. I'm still bitter about that.

1. Glenn

For fans of the comic, this is no surprise. And that's part of why writing this was too easy. Glenn's death is the single most famous spoiler for the comic. Everyone knows it happens, and for good reason. Glenn was with the group since the beginning. He was Rick's first contact after the apocalypse. He was the heart of the team. He was the underdog, going from pizza delivery boy to marrying the hottest lady on the show. That's why it seems like the show would pull a 180 at the last second and fake out the audience. This could be a classic Princess-Bride-never-go-against-a-Sicilian-when-death-is-on-the-line-overthinking-the-scenario move, but wouldn't the fact that everyone knows make you want to surprise the audience? It seems likely.

Unfortunately, even with that in mind, the odds have built up against him. He has a child coming into the world. Sure, Maggie had those terrible cramps in the finale and needs a doctor, but that'll be the miracle that the audience needs to recover from Glenn's death when it happens. Hey, at least his kid survived. There's also a shot when he leaves the compound of Maggie in the rear-view mirror. That's never a good sign when used in visual media. Or how about when they raid that compound? Glenn loses his innocence on screen when he stabs those guys through their eyes while they sleep. That's usually a sign that a character is about to get his comeuppance. Then Glenn comes across a wall of past Lucille victims' photos. That's a pretty clear instance of foreshadowing.

The only thing in Glenn's favor is lazy writing. This season already had a Glenn fakeout death at the midpoint. People discussed his possible death for weeks on the internet before everyone came to the conclusion that he was under the dumpster. Would the show play that same hand again? Would they be willing to mix it up because they just had a very similar situation? Beth's death makes me a little unsure.

Glenn has the right combination of character and audience sympathy. He's important to the story being told, he's an emotional anchor, and he's not very prevalent in the marketing blitz of the show. All of these signs point to a sad end for our Korean friend.

But at least his kid is gonna live, right?

This article was edited on 6/28/16 to include notes about Dwight and Glenn's midseason skirmish.