Clerks III is Not Good

I've been a Kevin Smith fan since my teens, and it pains me to say that Clerks 3 is a misfire on practically every front. From the intrusive music running under every scene, to the bloated and mostly useless cast, this film is a mess to watch play out.

When we last left our intrepid heroes at the end of Clerks 2, Dante (Brian O'Halloran), finally learned that he should "shit or get off the pot" and take control of his horrible lot in life. And he did, marrying Becky (Rosario Dawson) and partnering up with his best friend Randal (Jeff Anderson) to buy the Quick Stop. He had finally turned his life around, becoming his own boss, finding a partner who respected and understood him, and growing his relationship with his best friend to a healthier, more mature place.

As Clerks 3 opens, it's revealed that Becky died in a car accident that also took the life of her and Dante's child. This could have been for budgetary reasons (Dawson is far and away the most high-profile actor in the film, outside of cameos), but in a movie full of characters with nothing to do, her omission felt more like a fridging than anything else. This regresses Dante past Clerks 2, and even before his "I'm not even supposed to be here" stuck-in-a-rut days of the first movie. Dante is now in a full-blown depression, and while O'Halloran does an admirable job acting his ass off, this decision feels so bizarre and mean-spirited to a character we've rooted for for 30 years that it's almost laughable.

Smith's other alter ego, Randal Graves, is about the same as we left him, misanthropic and proud of it. But when he suffers a massive heart attack, he decides to do something with his life and make a movie about his experiences.

One of the big reasons Clerks worked so well was because Dante, the sad sack everyman who was desperate to fit in with society and get his due, and Randal, the outspoken destroyer of unspoken societal rules, worked so well together. They were two halves of the same whole. The character that society shat on, and the one who shat back. And I’d argue that for the young, unknown aspiring filmmaker Kevin Smith, they were two halves of him, too.

Clerks 3 sees them in what amounts to two different movies. Dante is dealing with the literal ghosts of his past while Randal runs around with Elias (Trevor Fehrman), Jay (Jason Mewes), and Silent Bob (Smith) as he tries to make a movie that is mostly cobbled together elements from Clerks 1 with a few from Clerks 2. And I’m not sure if that’s supposed to be a meta-commentary, but nearly every joke is also repeated from those movies. There is no new material in this film, and while Smith’s movies have always been an intertextual experience, each one stood on its own as a coherent story. Clerks 3 does not. If you aren’t familiar with every film, interview, and podcast featuring Kevin Smith, Clerks 3 is nearly unapproachable. Anything that is new is an NFT joke that immediately dates the movie and shows how out of touch Smith has become.

The movie’s ending sees Dante suffer a heart attack that ultimately kills him. But before he dies, Randal rushes to finish the final cut of his movie (which is, of course, the original Clerks), featuring Dante as the protagonist, to show Dante what an inspiration he’s been. But it all feels so hollow. While Randal ran around making his movie, Dante was ignored by him, fighting his own demons alone. The movie attempts to rectify this, but the ending is rushed, and the emotion doesn’t land. What should have been a cap for the 30-year friendship between these two guys feels like a footnote.

This film is mostly autobiographical. Smith suffered a heart attack and nearly died. His survival and the new joy he's found in filmmaking are great. I wish the man nothing but the best, as even when he makes bad films, he’s still a good guy making sure his friends have steady work. His fanbase is loyal to him, and he is to them. That’s who his films are for, and most of those people were always going to love this movie because of that. And that’s fantastic.

But between this movie and Jay and Silent Bob Reboot, it feels like he’s an artist who has run out of things to say.

Smith said in interviews for Clerks 3 that at one point he saw himself as Dante, but after his career took off, that was no longer true. So in a way, this movie feels like Smith killing the everyman part of himself that spawned Clerks and his career in the first place. It feels out of touch, with no real emotion and a handful of jokes from old movies to keep the engine chugging. And as Smith speaks over the end credits (which is also baffling—didn’t he write and direct and perform I the film? And he STILL couldn’t get his story across without doing a voiceover?), he tells us how Randal lived into his 90s and looks back on his days of menial, underappreciated labor in the Quick Stop fondly, leaving me to wonder how he has so completely misunderstood his own work.

And that’s when I understood. Dante, the put-upon everyman is dead. Randal, the filmmaker with nothing to say lives on. 

Jack

A few years ago I worked as a barista in one of the last vestiges of Amazon’s domination of the book-selling industry. The café was fairly autonomous and the small group that worked in it were mostly left to their own devices, which means that we saw the same rotation of customers on a semi-daily basis.

There was the lady who jogged every morning whose vice was a sugar-free Frappuccino for breakfast, the Italian lady with the big hair and her bratty beauty pageant contestant daughter, the ex-firefighter with the motorcycle, the angry old man who whined about how hard his life was compared to the younger generation, etc.

One of the regulars in particular, a man in his 70s named Jack, always came in around lunch time for a coffee frappe with protein powder. Jack was friendly, polite, and liked to chat, but never overstayed his welcome. He was also firm in his beliefs and had a bit of a temper when he felt slighted. He had worn a lot of hats over his lifetime, including that of an English professor and a concert pianist. He had played for royalty and celebrities, and was considered one of the leading authorities on George Gershwin’s life and stylings. Over the few years I worked at the cafe, Jack and I chatted on almost a daily basis and got to know each other fairly well.

One summer, Jack asked for my help moving some furniture at his apartment. Jack was frail and built like Mr. Rogers and couldn’t do it himself. I agreed, not really sure what to expect. His apartment was full of framed pictures of him and celebrities and statespeople he’d met, military trinkets that had belonged to his father, and an enormous piano. He told me stories all day and paid me well for my work (despite my protesting about it). He had so much to say, and wanted to set time aside to write his memoirs about music, Gershwin, teaching, and random stories about his life.

Since those glory days, Jack had settled into work at a car dealership. He stocked the waiting area with coffee and donuts and kept it clean. He hated it, and he knew he was wasting his time and talent there and wanted to get back to music. He once told me about a Christmas party at the company where he played the piano all night and the company president asked him why he was bothering with the dealership when he clearly deserved to be elsewhere. Every time he came into the café, he would ask how my writing was going, and I would ask how his music and memoirs were going. He was always working through a snag or organizing his thoughts in preparation. Some days he just couldn’t focus because he had doctor’s appointments to get to, or was recovering from checkups and biopsies.

When I left the book store, Jack and I kept in contact. I’d check in every few months or so and see how he was doing, and he was generally good. Busy, but fine. Not much progress on the writing. He was sick, but he’d fill me in later. Also, we should get together for dinner soon. That’s how it went for a couple years.

Then one day, I saw that Jack had died. The sickness was colon cancer, and he had been battling it for years. I knew it had to be something like that, but I never wanted to pry. I figured he’d let me know if it was bad enough, or if he could work up the courage to share.

Jack died a year ago and I still think about him at least once a week, despite not knowing him very long. 

He was part of a generation that put faith in God and hard work, and was raised to believe that paying your dues to both would benefit you in the end. Instead, Jack died at a job he hated without ever returning to the thing he loved. He never got his thoughts and musings down, and all those stories are gone forever.

He’s a reminder to me to keep working on your art and doing what makes you happy. Slog through the hard times when you have to, but don't get trapped in them. Because a used car lot won’t memorialize you.

Your legacy is the work you leave behind. Your intentions disappear with you.

1942 - 2019

Spirits Conspicuously Absent from Super Smash Bros Ultimate

Hi everyone. This is the part where I make an excuse for being absent for like, two years, and follow it up with empty promises to write more, and write more often, but we all know that probably won’t stick. I mean, this stupid fuck’s presidency threw me into the same spiral most creative-types feel when everything is terrible; “Does-any-of-this-matter? The world is so shitty, why should I make dumb articles about 20-year-old video games when this insane fuck is going to kill us all? I should be doing something useful to help people.” But then I just watch Netflix and eat a box of Cheez-Its and think about what alcohol mixers I should drink straight, because I ran out of base liquors three days ago in my last spiral. Not triple sec, btw.

But hey, if anything can get me to write again, maybe it’s a new Smash Bros.

As any Smash Bros fan can tell you, 2/3 of the fun of a new game is the speculation and theorizing of new characters. Fans like to psychoanalyze the series director, Masahiro Sakurai, and weigh his thought process against games he may want to advertise, or what he’s a fan of, or series relevancy, or what color his sofa is, to figure out who he might have in store for us this time.

People really thought there was a secret message in here.

Once the game was released in December and we knew the roster, the hunt for DLC character clues began. The most likely place seems to be Super Smash Bros Ultimate’s new adventure mode, Spirits. Spirits features dozens of characters who got at least a brief consideration to be included before the development team decided to go in another direction and choose someone like Piranha Plant. You see, Spirits mode is the Smash equivalent of a silver medal. While characters like Inkling or King K. Rool made the cut and became fully-realized Smash Bros fighters, other popular choices like Mario RPG’s Geno, or Zelda’s Midna are represented by a stock photo accompanied by a palette-swapped Sheik with a Super Scope equipped, or Bayonetta with an assist trophy buddy. They’re still not playable, but it’s an honor just to be nominated.

Guts Man, looking exactly how you remember him.

There are some who contend that being included in Spirits mode doesn’t necessarily mean you’re out as a DLC option. I’m not sure I buy that. It seems to me, that if all this mental and physical energy went into creating a character and they ultimately decided to create a thematic reference-filled battle instead, that’s kind of the final word on that.  But as with all the “rules” the fans use to speculate, they apply until they don’t.

Playing through Spirits mode is a trip down memory lane for video game fans. It seems like everything is referenced at some point. Stanley the Bugman from Donkey Kong 3, Cammy from Street Fighter, Spark Man from Mega Man 3, Swanky Kong from Donkey Kong Country 2, and even some of the various Mario Kart vehicles. This makes some of the rare omissions all the more glaring. Why have they been left out? Are they legitimate roster options? Did Sakurai just deem them unimportant? Let’s speculate together.

1.       Porky (Earthbound, Mother 3)

Porky was the first character that people collectively realized was missing. And it’s not like he’s a minor character, either. Porky served as the main antagonist for both Ness and Lucas in the Earthbound series. That means Porky played a major role in more Earthbound games than either of the playable characters currently in the Smash Bros roster. On top of that, Porky made an appearance in Super Smash Bros Brawl as a boss. Every other boss from that game was referenced in some way in SSBU. It’s worth mentioning that Porky’s Absolutely Safe Capsule is in as a Spirit. Did Sakurai intend for this to be a stand-in for Porky? Is Porky still in there, watching Smash battles for all eternity? Is SSBU canon to the ending of Mother 3, and Porky, in the capsule, somehow made it to this universe? Is he’s absolutely safe in the Absolutely Safe Capsule, how did Galeem, the villain, manage to make him vanish with that giant laser beam that disintegrates everyone? Video games are weird.
However, the main villain of a niche series probably isn’t enough to put Porky over the top. I’d personally love to see him, especially the younger version from Earthbound who fights in a Bowser Jr-style mech, but chances are he’ll appear as a downloadable Spirit somewhere down the line. You’ll probably even be able to enhance him from his Earthbound sprite to his Mother 3 one.

Spirits Scenario: Metal Bowser Jr. on Fourside.

Odds Porky is a future DLC Spirit: 6/10
Odds Porky is a future DLC character: 2/10

2.       The Metroid Hunters (Metroid Prime Series)

Metroid, as a series, has historically been about the struggles of one character; Samus Aran. She takes out armies of Space Pirates and all manner of creepy space beasts on solo missions while working for a faceless federation.
As video games became more cinematic, the mute, solo adventures of Samus seemed quaint and outdated, so she was given some supporting characters to flesh out her world, er… galaxy.
I’m of the mind that Samus and Zero Suit Samus were the perfect reps for Smash. When it came right down to it, these games were stories about one woman. Having her repped twice was a great option. But other fans disagreed. Many wanted to see her nemesis, Ridley, show up despite his immensity. They got their wish in SSBU. Samus even got a clone character in Dark Samus, bringing the Metroid character count up to four.
Part of the expanded Metroid roster came in the form of rival bounty hunters. This is probably the best way to give her some characters to play off of while still keeping Samus as a free agent. Unfortunately, every Hunter they introduced had no personality and played exactly the same way as Samus, down to the ability to become a ball and roll around on the ground. As a result, only two token Hunters, Trace and Kanden were included as Spirits. This left Noxus, Weavel, Spire, and fan-favorite Sylux out in the cold.
Sakurai used a lot of token representation to pull double duty so he wouldn’t have thousands upon thousands of Spirits to include and code. For example, most people know the Mario enemy Dry Bones. They’re a race of skeletal turtle zombies that showed up in Super Mario Bros 3 and are still pretty major enemies. But they aren’t in the game, despite fellow enemies like Goomba and Blooper and Boo making the cut. However, Dry Bowser, a skeletal form of Mario’s famous nemesis DID make the cut. Now we get a major character without the overlap of a very similar, lesser character. This is also the case for the Yarn version of Yoshi’s dog, Poochy. Regular ol’ Poochy isn’t in, but Yarn Poochy can represent Poochy AND the yarn aesthetic from a different Yoshi game.
This, I think, is why we got 2/6 of the Hunters. The weird thing is that Sylux is far and away the most popular Hunter thanks to a tease in Metroid Prime 3 that he’s going to be a bigger player in the future. But he isn’t yet.
Many think Sylux will be DLC down the line when Metroid Prime 4 comes out, but that’s a commitment to a character who is, thus far, a generic alien. Smash representation means you’ve made it to the big leagues. It means Nintendo can’t force you into a box in the basement and forget about you for 15 years. It means you’re a face of the brand. Look at what happened to Roy after his first Smash appearance. He’s not a favorite character in his home franchise and has kind of been forced as an “All-Star” only because of his association with Smash. Is Nintendo willing to make that gamble again?
So while the other Hunters have no chance at being playable, Sylux COULD get one if he is a major antagonist in Metroid Prime 4 and Nintendo plans to being him back in the future as a major recurring character.

Spirits Scenario: Dark Samus (Noxus), Ganondorf w/Screw Attack (Weavel), Incineroar w/Screw Attack (Spire), Samus (Sylux) on Frigate Orpheon.

Odds the Hunters are future DLC Spirits: 4/10
Odds the Hunters are future DLC characters: 0/10
Odds Sylux is a future DLC Spirit: 8/10
Odds Sylux is a future DLC character: 4/10

3.       Mario’s Partners (Paper Mario Series)

I’ve gotta say, the Mario RPG spinoffs got some pretty good spirit representation. Geno, Mallow, Peasley, Fawful, and Vivian all made the cut, which is a great amount of characters for a spinoff series. It does seem odd, however, that Vivian is the only Paper Mario partner to make the cut. I mean, if you have to pick one, Vivian is the winner, no question. She’s the most interesting, has the best design, and actually has a character arc. Parakarry can’t claim that. It IS a bit odd that major characters from two games are just completely absent, but at what point do you draw the line with RPG casts? It’s not like they’re from Fire Emblem.
Will we see them pop in down the line? Maybe as Spirits if we get another Paper Mario game. I wouldn’t be surprised to see the partners pull double duty; Just Goombario to rep the Goomba partners, Koops to rep the Koopa ones, and maybe one or two others. But then again, Mario is an enormous series that includes every RPG, Party, Kart, Tennis, Soccer, etc. game series. I can see why Sakurai and company would want to draw a hard line with the RPG reps.
I don’t think there’s any way they get in as playable characters, though. Geno fans would riot.

Spirits Scenario: Kirby w/Mario Hat (Goombario), Squirtle (Kooper), Tiny Wendy (Bombette), Jigglypuff (Bow), Tiny Bowser w/Raccoon Tail (Parakarry), Pac-Man w/Hot Head (Watt), and Roy w/Jet Pack (Lakilester) on Paper Mario.

Odds Mario’s Partners are future DLC Spirits: 5/10
Odds Mario’s Partners are future DLC characters: 0/10

4.       Any Human Character (Pokémon Series)

I’m not going to pretend that the non-Pokémon characters are anywhere near as important as the Pokémon, themselves, so I can see why so many of the 600+ creatures made it into SSBU. Especially when they have a whole item dedicated to them. However, the NPCs are the ones who drive the plot. Some, like Professor Oak and Misty even made it into Melee as trophies. So why weren’t a couple characters chosen from each generation chosen to be Spirits?
My guess? They would all have to be represented by the Pokémon Trainer in Spirits mode, and then be restricted to either Charizard, Ivysaur, or Squirtle. That would give every trainer fight a “been there, done that” kind of feel. Who cares if the spirit is Cynthia or Brock or Giovanni when each fight is really just Ivysaur? Or, if they could represent Cynthia’s signature Garchomp with a blue Charizard… why not just include Garchomp as a spirit instead, and cut out the middleman?

Oh wait. That’s exactly what they did.

Adding trainers to SSBU isn’t the tough part; it’s adding their team. You could have Misty as a Pokémon Trainer clone, but you’d still need to come up with three Pokémon for her to use. And if you add her, that makes the Pokémon Trainer gimmick less unique AND bloats the roster with another three Pokémon fighters.

Spirit Scenario:
Zero Suit Samus in two-piece (Misty), Squirtle x 3. Pokeballs spawn water types only.
Dr. Mario (Professor Oak), Charizard, Squirtle, Ivysar, Pikachu. Master Balls only.

Odds Human Pokémon characters are future DLC Spirits: 2/10
Odds Human Pokémon characters are future DLC characters: 0/10

5.       The cast of Kirby 64 (Kirby 64)

Fan-favorite Adeleine is getting all the coverage, but let’s take a step back; All the partner characters from Kirby’s Dreamland 2 and 3 are Spirits. Gooey is a Spirit, several enemies are Spirits, Daroach from Squeak Squad, Prince Fluff from Epic Yarn, and Magolor from Returns are all in. But not one single character from Kirby 64 is a Spirit. This includes Adeleine, Ribbon, and big boss, Zero2. This seems like a glaring hole in Kirby’s representation. Ribbon was even a part of the final boss battle. Many people speculate that their omission is because Sakurai plans to make Adeleine a playable fighter, but she’s not exactly a heavy-hitter in the Kirby series outside of the very hardcore. Bandanna Dee and Magolor (both Spirits!) have larger fanbases than her, and she really only seems to be loved because of the webcomic Brawl in the Family and the 20-Year Nostalgia Cycle (Kirby’s Dream Land 3 and Kirby 64, the two games she was featured in, came out in 1998 and 2000, respectively).
Barring a Kirby 64 remake and the 64 gang getting Spirits to cross-promote, I can’t see them making it in in any form.

At least Ribbon and Adeleine made it into Kirby Star Allies!

Spirits Scenario: Villager (F) and Tiny Pit (Pink) on Dream Land. Vince assists.

Odds the Kirby 64 cast are future DLC Spirits: 3/10
Odds the Kirby 64 cast are future DLC characters: 0/10

6.       Someone from Pro Wrestling (Pro Wrestling)

No, I don’t mean Hulk Hogan, or The Rock, or “Hacksaw” Jim Duggan. When the NES released back in the late 1980s, Nintendo’s first wave of first-party games (known as the “Black Box Games”) launched alongside it. Some, like Super Mario Bros, Duck Hunt, and Excitebike became classics. Others were more generic filler titles that have mostly been forgotten for one reason or another. These include Urban Champion, Tennis, and yes, Pro Wrestling. Pro Wrestling isn’t really a remarkable game, except for its victory screen, which, if you’ve been playing video games for a while, might sound familiar. That’s not to say that some of the character designs aren’t fix. Wrestlers like Starman (Not that one) and The Amazon are really fun and could use an update for modern days.
However, while those Black Box games were all referenced as Spirits in SSBU, Pro Wrestling was strangely absent. Bubbles from Clu Clu Land was a Spirit, as were the Urban Champion, Mach Rider, and representatives from the sports titles like Baseball, Hockey, Volleyball, and Tennis. So why no Pro Wrestling? The reason may be similar to that of Geno or Sukapon; Nintendo no longer holds the license to Pro Wrestling. The game’s creator, Masato Masuda, left Nintendo and brought the license to Pro Wrestling with him to Try Company, Ltd (Later, HUMAN) where it lays dormant to this day.

Spirits Scenario: Ryu (Fighter Hayabusa), Captain Falcon (Star Man), Incineroar (Giant Panther), Little Mac (Kin Corn Carn), Greninja (The Amazon), Ken (King Slender), Ganondorf (Great Puma) in the Wrestling Ring.

Odds a Pro Wrestler is future Spirits DLC: 0/10
Odds a Pro Wrestler is future character DLC: 0/10

7.       Mike Jones (StarTropics Series)

Who?

That’s still relevant, right?

*does a quick Google search*

Oh Jesus. That guy was popular in 2004. I guess not.

Mike Jones is not a rapper from 2004. He’s the lead character from StarTropics and its sequel on the NES. StarTropics plays a lot like Zelda with a tropical island aesthetic, but instead of swords and boomerangs, you use yo-yos and bolos and snowman dolls that freeze your enemies in their tracks. They’re cute and goofy and I have fond memories of the series from when I was a kid.
Unfortunately, they were made for a western audience by Nintendo and are virtually unknown in Japan. This is a real shame, because it would be fun to see Mike back at it and maybe see his series relaunched.
The games were also made by the same group that worked on Punch-Out, so it’s strange to me that it wasn’t released in Japan as well.
This seems like the perfect opportunity for Sakurai to throw a bone to western audiences and introduce the franchise to Japan by tossing Mike and Zoda and Dr. Jones Spirits into a DLC patch. But I can’t see that happening. This seems like the kind of game that would be on Sakurai’s radar, though. Dude loves his random gaming trivia.

Spirits Scenario: Ness on Tortimer Island with Beastballs.

Odds Mike Jones is a future Spirits DLC: 1/10
Odds Mike Jones is a future character DLC: 0/10

8.       Lolo (Eggerland/Adventures of Lolo Series)

Way back before Kirby broke onto the scene, Lolo was HAL’s poster boy. You played as a little blue sphere with eyes, Lolo, as he pushed blocks around and tried to climb a tower to rescue his girlfriend, Lala. Three Lolo games were made for the NES in total, and they were all great puzzle games with a lot of character.
HAL then shifted focus to Kirby and even brought Lolo and Lala along for the ride by making them recurring bosses.
The only standout HAL franchises are Lolo and Kirby. Aside from those, the bulk of HAL’s catalogue is board games, though they also helped with the Earthbound and Smash Bros series. There is no chance Lolo isn’t on Sakurai’s radar, as Sakurai got his start at HAL, and created both the Kirby and Super Smash Bros games. In fact, I’d consider this to be the most curious omission in SSBU.
One of Sakurai’s trademarks is his love of video game history. He’s included a retired NES character in every Smash Bros game since Melee (Ice Climbers in Melee, Pit in Brawl, Duck Hunt in Smash Bros 4), except SSBU. Every other NES-era character either still has a franchise going today (Samus, Link, Mario), or is already a Spirit, as listed in the Pro Wrestling section. Lolo is the last NES-era character who could possibly be viable in a Smash game, and even that is a stretch. I don’t think Sakurai plans to add the little guy to Smash, but having the final DLC fighter as a throwback to the NES and his tenure at HAL is exactly the kind of thing I could see Sakurai doing.

Spirits Scenario: Kirby (Blue) and Jigglypuff on Great Cave Offensive with Wheeled Crates.

Odds Lolo is a future Spirits DLC: 3/10
Odds Lolo is a future character DLC: 3/10

So that's my Smash article. Feel free to tell me how dumb I am for believing Spirits means characters can't be playable. I'm used to it after I bought into the "Box Theory.", but that ended up going ok.

Hey, I wrote an article! Enjoy it while it's relevant! 

Coping with Kirby: Dream Land in an Uncertain Time

You may have seen the recent article about how some are watching the West Wing as a way to cope with this whole Trump scenario. I totally get it. It’s a been a… let’s say “tumultuous” time in American history. We’ve faced a lot of dire straits over the last—Jesus, it’s been less than two months?!

Ahem. At any rate, in order to keep sanity, I’ve found it necessary to retreat into fictional worlds for some semblance of calmness and normalcy on those nights I’m lying awake in bed, waiting for the explosions to start.

It’s no surprise that Nintendo is the arbiter of all kinds of happy fiction that I can lose myself in, from Super Mario, Pokemon, to Animal Crossing, there are plenty of options to keep me smiling and sane until my mind wanders and I become a paranoid, sobbing mess.

No franchise turns up the cuteness like Kirby, though. This adorable little puffball represents all that is good in this universe. He’s always smiling, he just wants to eat some cake, and even the enemies are just cute little balls of fluff. It’s perfect. It’s zen.
No Kirby game quite strikes my fancy like Kirby Super Star on the SNES. I have very fond memories of playing this with my brothers, trying to find every treasure in the Great Cave Offensive, or using a turbo controller with TAC to destroy bosses in seconds, to sitting back and enjoying the moody sounds of the Revenge of Meta-Knight game. It’s truly one of the SNES’s best.

So now I’m going to do us all a favor and take a break from Animal Crossing, because I don’t WANT to find out whose fucking mitten this is, BILL. YOU’RE ANIMALS. YOU HAVE NATURAL PROTECTIONS AGAINST THIS SNOW. ALSO, THERE IS A SEAMSTRESS IN TOWN AND I JUST GAVE YOU 4,000 BELLS FOR AN ELEPHANT SLIDE, SO YOU CAN JUST BUY A NEW FUCKING PAIR OF GLOVES, OK? I’M THE MAYOR. I DON’T HAVE TIME FOR THIS SHIT.

Bitch, I have real problems, like funding that topiary.

So, Kirby Super Star. It’s actual several games in one cartridge. They ramp up the difficulty as you complete each game, so by the time you get to the last boss, you’ve mastered Kirby’s trademark copy ability, which lets him absorb the abilities of his enemies, and you’re ready for anything they can throw at you. It’s a really unique mechanic. When Kirby inhales enemies, they become cute little hats that denote abilities from Sword to Fire to Yo-Yo. Yo-Yo is a favorite of mine because he wears a cute little baseball cap. Not sure what that has to do with a Yo-Yo, but hey.

If "all the food" is just corn, Dream Land has more issues than one.

We begin with Spring Breeze. It’s a walk in the park, wherein Kirby learns the basics of the game while freeing Dream Land from King Dedede. According to the opening cinematic, Dedede, something of a glutton, has stolen Dream Land’s food, so Kirby takes it upon himself to get it back. That’s seems a bit off to me, though, because we see Dedede break into the food vault (?) with a bunch of Dream Land denizens, so it seems like he was sharing the wealth. At any rate, Kirby storms the castle and ousts the king. It’s not very tough, but King Dedede is a lot of fun and you get a trial run of the game’s basic abilities.


Did Dedede do anything else that would make us think he’s a bad ruler? He’s kind of a dick, sure, but Dream Land seems no less happy with him in power. We’ve seen that he is privy to how Dream Land functions in other games. He tried to prevent Kirby from freeing the Nightmare by protecting the Fountain of Dreams in another game. Plus, we know he’s a capable fighter, because he’s always the first one any foreign power tries to take out when they invade. What did he do that was so bad that Kirby would forcibly remove him from his position? Who succeeds him? Kirby? I don’t think Kirby is really known for his political experience.

Um, where was I? Gourmet Race? This one is simple. Kirby and Dedede race through a few tracks for more food. Geez, these two like food. What did Kirby do with all that food after these first two games? The icon for the game shows him just mowing down. Wasn’t there a food shortage? That’s hypocritical. You just removed Dedede from office because he was supposedly eating too much, and now you’re being even more greedy?

Dedede looks REALLY worried.

Game three, Dyna Blade, has Kirby take down an endangered species. After killing the tree, Whispy Woods, back in Spring Breeze, it’s becoming clear that Kirby doesn’t care much for the environment. And this is only confirmed in game four, The Great Cave Offensive, where Kirby goes deep into the ground to dig up treasure, in what is a clear parallel to drilling for oil. There’s also a computer program that he encounters in here, and I can’t prove it yet, but I think it has some connection whoever is doing all this drilling. Why is this third party’s connection to Kirby? Does it have anything to do with the whole Dedede debacle that just occurred? Wait, now that Dyna Blade has been removed from the land she once inhabited, does that mean this same company who carved out the Great Cave for monetary gain can do the same for Dyna Blade’s habitat? At this point in our story I think it’s time someone with the power of checks and balances to step in. And it seems I’m not the only one.

Game five is the Revenge of Meta Knight. Seeing that Kirby has taken over Dream Land and is twisting the law to benefit himself through manipulation of the food and natural resources, Meta Knight steps in to slow him down and figure out just how legal this whole thing is. Kirby, now emboldened by his actions, defeats Meta Knight and his army and sends his ship, The Halberd, plummeting into the ocean. Kirby’s conquering of Dream Land is complete, and there is nothing to stand in his way.

Kirby ponders his new empire.

By now, it should be clear that Kirby, with his political outsider status, disregard for the well-being of those he purported to help, and assertion of control over all branches of the Dream Land governmental system, is a proxy for Donald Trump. That outside influence that paid him off during the Great Cave Offensive is more outside than you may have thought.

Game six is Milky Way Wishes. Not content with ruining Dream Land, Kirby sets out to help conquer other countries—er, planets. It’s only after everything has fallen to ruin that the one who was secretly helping him along the way reveals himself. Marx, the tiny jester, played simple, xenophobic Kirby like a fiddle in order to position himself for a power grab. Just as ultimate power is within Kirby’s grasp, Marx steps in and claims the prize for himself.

Karl Marx wishes to be Ariana Grande's manager

And it doesn’t take a genius to see that Marx, named for the Communist figure, Karl Marx, is a stand in for Vladimir Putin. Kirby has delivered everything to him on a gold platter.  

It’s all right there, plain as day. You see it, right? Everything lines up. And they think they can just do what they want and nobody will notice. Well, we noticed. And it’s up to us to do something about it.

Tell everyone! Before it’s too late!